Almost

This morning I woke up nearly in a panic with the thought, I'm almost 23. I'm not sure of all that I had dreamt last night because I wasn't even aware of how I felt about this single thought. But it got me thinking about who I am, what I've done... am I contente? I've been teetering with my answers all day long, and here I am, 3h30AM and I find myself unable to sleep and still debating my very thoughts. My feelings on this matter are layered, yes, no, yes, no. On the surface, life is incredible, it has the ability to have meaning and to constantly surprise us. I want to live life having no regrets... but does that mean that I'm not really living? I want to be a prime example to friends and family, and to my kids. As children we are always being told what not to do so that we are protecting all our values, - our interests, our bodies, ...our hearts. It's easy to cave in, but it's harder to stand your ground. I want to be an example, I want to be a good example, but I can't say that I am. Like everyone out there, I have my personal struggles-- my daily struggles. And I'm working on becoming a stronger person, but as the days go by, I feel I gain strength in one aspect of my life and grow weaker in another. Some times I really wish I were more rebellious, but I know that I'd regret the rebellious impulse, whatever it may be, some time down the road.

I keep and maintain a forever growing list of Things To Do Before I Die, and I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me. Some of the things listed are the amongst the simplest to accomplish, but its just the little things that make me smile, and some are so obscure and seem out of character, but when presented the opportunity, I refuse to turn away. I want to try everything, I want to do it all, I never want to stop learning, and I always want a good story. I refuse to die until this list is complete... and the irony behind it all is, there is a handful of "things" on this list that just might be the end of me. Ha. I have checked off a lot, and added just as much since I started this list nearly 7 years ago. So when I woke up this morning with the shortness of breath, I calmed myself down when I thought of this list. I thought of all the things I have done thus far, at only 22, and all the things I have ahead of me. I thought about my family, and just how beautiful they all are, and about my friends, my life- all that I have, I am so blessed. I am nearly 23, and when I close my eyes, a smile begins to grow across my face. Life is beautiful, and I want to embrace it. I feel I do. and though I know I shouldn't care of what others think of me, I'm beginning to realize that so many people don't think that I live. Me. Because I don't rely on substance to loosen me, and because I've never been in a true relationship or slept with anyone... that, in their eyes, means I've never lived. I am discovering my true self as the days carry on. Of course there are things that I desire to have or to be... things that I've never done or experienced that I someday hope to. Do I do them now? I'm nearly 23, this is my prime- and that, right there, scares the hell out of me. If this is my prime, then how come I've never had that opportunity? What's wrong with me? (-- and see how the teetering occurs? ) I have so much, I've done so much, I've seen so much... but at the same time, I am only just beginning. I'm going to try and see the beauty in this, and try not to get hung up on all that I lack. Someday my time will come, someday I'll get the chance... right?

So for now, I am nearly 23, what am I going to make of it?